OK - I wrote him an email (I was, unfortunately, too nice again - I really need to work on that) which I will post here. He wrote me back...and I will post *it* here, as well. My comments will be in italiacs.....
But first, please note - to the males that read this: My snarky comments are NOT aimed a ya'll, nor do ya'll (seem) to fall into the same category as Mr. Clueless caveman here. I'm still trying to be nice...damn Southern upbringing!
So, without further ado... here's my email:
Let's check the calander - my dad is coming out this weekend, next weekend (St. Pat's) we'll be at my in-law's, and the weekend after that is the county fair. (I had forgotten about that....we have a lot of stuff entered. Guess I should go gather it up and make sure everything's ready for judging.) Then comes Four Winds (it's the only weekend we can fit it in, I think), then Easter, then Kilgore. You're right - things creep in and take over before you know it! All of this is true - except the in-laws are coming out Sunday to pick up the kids, and they'll bring 'em back next Saturday. I was still in my nice mode here, trying to say "No, you're not coming over" without having to actually spell it out.
>>If you have a spare room and some things you need help with, I think I would enjoy getting away to the country for the weekend. (Hopefully it won't be raining yet.) << This is from his previous email, where he invited himself out for the weekend. Any "invites" I tendered were done in the way you do when you don't really expect the other person to accept; most people understand this (you know, the whole "if you're ever in the area, feel free to drop by" sort of thing you do to be polite. Most people understand that "OK - thanks! I will!" that they respond with isn't cut in stone, and are actually thinking "Yeah, like THAT'LL ever happen!" - especially when it's a new contact that they've JUST MADE. It's one of the social niceties that I thought everone just *knew*..guess I was wrong. Again.
I have no spare bedroom - this is a residence, not a B&B - and the couches belong to the dogs. (Seriously. Poor Ken my BIL hasn't been sleeping much because the dogs are pissed he's in their spot.) Ken also told me he'll pretty much take care of all the "to-do's" I have on the list - he has his own construction company, so he's pretty good at the home-repair type stuff - when he finally gets the deck done. (It's hard to work when you're not getting any sleep. Beer and chips only go so far.)
And here's where I try to clear the air. You'll see later - I failed miserably. As for the rest...let me just be blunt, instead of my usual southern-belle niceness. I am not in the market for anything other than platonic friendship. The Lord knows we all need more friends! We (as a Clan) are friends with many people (both male and female - some of my best friends are my male cousins!) but that is as far as it goes.
You definately got moved off the list for anything else on Saturday night - and you should consider yourself lucky I was too shocked to respond the way I normally do. The last male that put his hands on my person uninvited Y'know, I thought that this was enough to remind him of the situation....Wrong yet again! had my belt-knife at his throat before I even thought about it - and all he did was plant a hand on my hip uninvited. (Yes, the knives are real. I don't keep the longer ones sharp, because they are illegal. My belt knife and bodice dagger are just under the legal limit - and I *do* use them, for cutting meat/thread/yarn/leather). Again, I wasn't clear enough. More on that later
Why didn't I mention this on Sunday? Because J. Clan McClellan's Regional Director. told me she had handled it. I'm too much of a lady to bring up something that's been handled...but that was totally over the line. Why mention it now? To clear the air.
Now, I do understand the "Bodice Effect" - 20+ years of playing dress-up has at least taught me that - and I know how one affects the male mind. I also know how to use it correctly - my job, when I am working a festival, is to get people over to the tent to talk to us. That's why I haul a spinning wheel along - the movement attracts attention. If a nicely fitted bodice and a spinning wheel will get males to come over to watch, then my job is done - my cousin can then engage them and their female companion(s) in talk and history. Yes, I flirt - with everyone - again, that's part of my job, not an invitation for anything physical. The whole goal is to sign up new members for us, and to educate people on Scottish History and geneology - if they don't belong to us, we'll point them in the direction of the clan(s) they *do* belong to. It's fun, but it's also a Lot of work. Most Festivals, I only leave the tent for quick privy runs. (Most of our shopping gets done before the gates open to the public.) I have to make sure the tent is constantly attended and people can get the information they need.
Now, Saturday morning was fine. Light flirting, hugs - all that is fine and doesn't cross the boundries of decency. Honestly, that's all part and parcel of the RenFaire/Festival game. It's all in fun, doesn't mean anything, and most folks understand that. We're a friendly bunch, most of the time (but there's a difference between friendly and FRIENDLY, if you know what I mean.). Saturday night, however, you crossed the line - in my own home, yet, in full view of my family and anyone walking by. I've honestly *never* had something like that happen to me..and I'd prefer to not repeat it - it wasn't fun or enjoyable in the least. In fact, I felt unsafe the rest of the weekend - not at all a pleasant experience. I should have spelled it out. "I don't know where you're from, but here it's not considered polite for a man to shove his hand down an unfamiliar woman's shirt, especially when said woman is occupying it." *sigh* I'm not used to dealing with dumbfucks.
Now, we can start anew - with the understanding that platonic friendship is the limit. Regional told me she thought the guy was in the "safe but clueless" category. I'm afraid she's wrong. I'm happy with where my life is right now, and have no intentions of changing anything. I was married to my best friend, and there's no way I can replace him or what we had - and I'm not looking to! My children deserve better than that - *I* deserve better than that! We do all need friends - and again, we are a fun bunch to hang around with. Again, I was following my Regional's directions here. She thinks he might be OK to pal around with...I'll let her do that. Me? I'll be very distant if he does ever come hang with us....and I'll be *very* well armed, and will surround myself with my minions - the tall, dark, and brooding ones. Seriously, he's off the "safe to flirt with" list forever. *g*
Take your time to think it through - this took me hours to write, and I'm still not sure I'm happy with it. It's the best I can do at the moment.
So, I send it. He doesn't even waste the time to actually *read* it, I think - I get a response barely an hour later.
Here's his response - in full: (again, my comments are in italics)
My apologies for any indiscretion or offense I might have caused you. Might? *MIGHT* have caused me??? Where's the Clue Fairy when you need her?
I, in no way wanted to take advantage or misconstrue the relationship we have. Ummm, OK - since when did meeting someone *that* morning, then spending..maybe an hour in their company constitute a relatonship??
I guess the attention you seemed to give was misunderstood, then again I don't get that type of attention often. Ok, so now it's all MY fault. Typical male response when a female calls them on something: Really, officer - she WANTED it. Look at how she's dressed. It wasn't rape - she wanted it! Grrrrrrrrrrr........and, attention? I was being polite, and nice. No serious flirting - he's too short for my tastes (seriously - I have a minimun height requirement. If it's good enough for Disney...) and I don't "promise more than I'll deliver" - if it's misconstrued, I try my level best to make it clear where I stand (over HERE. Far away.).
I don't know what I supposedly did Saturday night, if I was overly forward, again, I apologize. "overly forward"...so that's what they call invasion of personal space these days...other terms come to my mind
I am very sensitive of how I make others feel, but am not always sure of reading peoples' manners and ultimate motives, expectations. OK, here's what really irks me. I did NOT, in any way, lead him on. Lady S, you were there - I bit my tongue a LOT on Saturday just to be sure I wasn't giving the wrong vibes. (C'mon, someone hands you a straight line of "She's a very talented lady", he responds "I can see that"...my first response was to say "I'm more talented than you'll *ever* know!" with a saucy wink, but I BIT MY TONGUE, because I didn't know how he'd respond. I do my best not to be a major tease...it leads to less problems that way.)
For any misunderstandings, I am truly sorry... Oh, really? I wonder...
I will adhere to your concerns and will not bother you further. Concerns? I seemed "concerned"?? Just go away and leave me alone, 'k?
J did mention that I should be okay with just being friends, but I did not catch on that I had offended you. So, again, it's my fault that I didn't turn around and slap the shit out of him for his "overly forward" hands. Yeah, so I guess my chillng down to Arctic levels and doing my level best to NOT be alone with him after that didn't work. Sorry us guys don't always grasp.I dunno - he sure was trying there on Saturday night! (and it's comments/thoughts like this that keep gettng me into trouble! *g* It isn't that we don't care or are insensitive, but don't always know what every girl means when they are all different in their ways of showing attention or responding. Showing attention.....Bah! I don't think I showed him more attention than I did anyone else - in fact, it was probably a lot less, because he wasn't around most of the day...and even when he was, I was cutting up with the cousins in the tent. As for responding...responding to WHAT? He never asked me if I was interested, never asked me if I wanted a backrub (no, seriously, he just came up and started rubbing the shoulders. A little odd...but no odder than some of the guys I've hung out with.) He certainly NEVER indicated his hand needed to feel my back...and I NEVER EVER EVER indicated my back needed his attentions. Again - it's all my fault, and I should be upset that I offended HIM. Yeah, Right - go pull your head out!
I hope all is well for you and your family and again my condolences for your loss. I have no clue here - if he means the loss of my DH, well - he's almost 4 years too late. Plus, he didn't know Steve, so cut the bullshit. If he means my loss of HIM - well, whatever. I'm doing the happy dance over here for that one.
Anyway - it's hopefully over. He's so clueless, it's not even funny - and I don't think he'll ever learn. J. thinks he's in the "clueless but safe" category......I dunno. His total defensiveness and blaming me (in a passive/agressive sort of way) is just...weird.