August 20th, 2004

me: portrait


have a funny viewpoint. It rained *all* day yesterday, so I was tired last night and decided to skip the workout (I'm shooting for 5 days a week, and have met that each week).

Herself asked me why I wasn't dancing, and I told her I was too tired. She looked at me a minute or 2, then said, "It's OK, Mom - you've lost a lot of weight. You're not fat anymore!"

*sigh*. It's a compliment, so I'll take it...but *still*. Guess I'll workout doubly hard tonight.
me: portrait

Time for some Introspection here...

OK, so this entry is just for me to clear my head...if you're looking for fiber-y content, or sillyness, try back later, 'k? I'll be updating the webpage later today - again - but I really need to dump this before my head explodes all over my office.

This week has been hard - 1st week of 2nd grade! Baby is moved into the Pre-K class ("Mommy, we get to ride the school bus to the liberry!" "Do you know what the library is?" "No, but we get to ride a bus!!!")Being hit on by
a few clueless guys.....add all that to total and complete boredom at work....hard week.

It's not just the milestones I've had to face alone -although that's part of it- it's the lack of someone who understands me. Totally. Without explanations. These weird guys - they don't "get" it. No doesn't mean no, it means ask again and
I might change my mind. *sigh*

See, I don't necessarily believe in love at first sight - yes, I knew the minute Steve walked in that he was it, but I don't know that I'd call it love. It was more like - remember your best friend growing up? How ya'll shared everything,
and then their parents decided to move, and you lost contact..but then found each other years later, and the friendship picked up like it was just yesterday ya'll had last talked? How the intervening years didn't matter? *That's* what I
felt the first time I saw Steve. Not flowers, not wedding bells, but a sense of "Oh -*there* you are! Was the trip nice - glad you're home". He was back, filling an empty spot I didn't know I had. I could tell him anything, anything at all,
and I didn't get belittled, or over-analyzed, just acceptance and an offer of a different point of view. It's hard to explain - I guess the best description I have seen of it is in a book called "Into the Storm" about Ren Faires and the Fae
and all sorts of stuff. The author (I'm blanking here....geez!) says, in one scene, that finding your soul mate is "like looking up into eyes that have looked back into yours forever" (Or something like that - the book is at home). Yeah, like that....although I hate the term soul-mate. Too new-agey for me.

There was never any akwardness with us - none of the usual "OMG, will he like this? What if he does *that*??? Or or or.." that you usually get in a new relationship (and I know you know what I'm talking about. It's just hard to put into words.). It was more like when you put on your favorite pair of gloves (or jeans), we
just *fit*, like we belonged together. From the first, we felt like we had known each other forever, like those old couples you see that have been married since birth. *g* Hard to believe that we had only been married, what? 6 years? and known each other 8. Or 9 - see, I can't remember!
Feels like forever, but also like just yesterday.

Not to say we didn't fight - you can't mix an Austrian/Celtic hardhead with a Scots/English stubborness and not get fireworks - but we could communicate and work things out. I miss *that*.

These clueless guys don't seem to get that. They're all "Well, it's been 2 years, you should be ready to date. You should be grateful someone would be willing to be seen with you" and all that other unspoken but implied bullshit.
The thing is, I subconsiously compare them, and they come out on the short end of the stick. My widowed neighbor, who was married 50-something years, has said the same thing - you constantly compare them to what you had,
and it's no comparision. (She was widowed shortly after me, so, even with the many many many years separating us, we understand each other.)

And then there's the rest of the world, wanting to know when I'm going to start dating, and why am I not dating....Arrrrrrrrrgh. No, I'm not ruling it out.....but from my viewpoint right now, it just ain't gonna happen. I'd love to find someone to
give my kids a positive male role-model. I'd love to have male companionship again (I'm widowed, not dead!)...but I want what I had (no, not the person - he's gone, he ain't coming back!), and I won't settle for anything less. Will I find it? Probably
not. But, because of the pressures of those around me, I feel like I have to pretend to look. But my heart's not in it.

I've even played the what if? game - you know the one. What if my high-school light of love were to come back? I've thought about *that* one alot, let me tell you, and you know - it wouldn't work. He was flighty back then, and I don't see that changing.
So, that's out. What if? Steve's friend, who used to flirt with me (Steve ignored it, because he knew I would never let it get serious).....nope. He's too, too.....wild, I guess I'd call it. Not a stable, calming influence to my mind. What if?....the movie star I've had a crush on for years....nope. I don't like being in the spotlight
(although the monetary benefits would be nice......*g*) The doctor down the hall, the cute construction worker, the way cute kilted guy just off the boat from Scotland I caught at the games....nope, nope and nope. (Although the accent did make me pause....and the kilt....drool). For a
fling, well, maybe - but I'm not the type for flings.

I have moved on with my life - had a house built and moved, dealt with nasty construction types, and horny fence-builders, and just plain creepy sorts, so I'm not just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I just wish society as a whole (and especially clueless guys) would understand that I am satisfied with where I am.
Want more? Well, yeah - but I am happy here and can live this way. I mean, I wasn't looking for Steve, specifically, when I was looking for a husband. I just found him. That type of, of luck doesn't strike everyday. To expect to have it again, well, I don't think so.

I'm not ready to join a convent - yet - they wouldn't take the kids, but I'm not willing to settle for less, either.

Now, to figure out more avoidance tactics......apparantly, I'm sending out hard to get vibes instead of not interested ones. Must work on that...
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    Djilia Phralengo - Portraits
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me: portrait

More Update goodness...

Well, I've been busy today! Uploaded more pictures to the website - feel free to go wander around!

Updated pages:

the dog house Yeah, I added more of the Zoey-monster. Someone take my camera away!

the sock machine page Finally - pictures of that elusive beast!

the weaving studio A glimpse inside my very messy studio

the construction diary Finally got a decent shot of my front door!

the knitting page Took the time to get pictures of most of the stuff I've knit.....still need to find the rest, though.

I'm going to try to knit after lunch - I'm almost at the point I need to start the sleeves. We'll see if I succeed...the web is calling me....
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    Heather Alexander - The Witch of Westmoreland
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