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Musings and difficult questions..

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Previous Entry Musings and difficult questions.. Jan. 19th, 2007 @ 02:57 pm Next Entry
Something I've been mulling over lately, as I watch a situation play out in the Real World. I pose a few questions:

What is love? When does it change to obsession, and what can be done about it? When does caring about someone cross the line and become controlling, or worse - abusive? I realize some of this is subjective, but still...

I mean, OK - look at teenagers (or not.....). They have no experience with Love, or in dealing with the opposite sex, so all they do is sit around and moon over The One - who usually turns out to be Not The One - spending all their time thinking about him/her, moping around if they aren't in constant contact; you know the scenario. Age usually takes care of this - that, and society bopping the clueless one over the head when things get too out of hand in public. We've all been there (or, most of us have, and outgrown it) - but what about those who never grow up?

What about the man (who really should know better) who can't stand to be away from his wife? I'm not talking about young, giggly newlyweds here (you can forgive them for a few months, at least) - I'm talking about mature adults, parents even. He is constantly calling her cell to check up on her, or calling her workplace - all in the name of "Love". She can't do anything without his permission; if she's even 2 seconds late he is on the phone trying to find out where she is/what she's doing. It wouldn't surprise me to find out he was checking the mileage on her vehicle - is this Love? or Obsession? (my opinion? Obsession bordering on abusive behavior)

What about the husband who is constantly handling his wife in public (or vice-versa), even when she has made it clear it makes her uncomfortable? I don't mean simple hand-holding - I mean literally making out in full view of the public. "Swabbing her tonsils" in the middle of the store. Making sure her breast is still in her shirt.....stuff that makes every civilized being around uncomfortable watching. Hugs with one or both hands travelling all over the other party's body.(Y'know, the stuff that makes you quip "Get a room!" when you see a couple of teens doing it.) Is this loving behavior? Or something else? (what would you call it, besides odd?) (my opinion? Not love - especially when it makes one of the parties uncomfortable, and they've stated this to the other partner. I'm just not sure how to classify it except as Ick.)

What about love talk in public? OK, or....too much information? Again, not the normal "Honey", "Sweetheart" etc - I mean actual......errr....Love Talk (that I think should be kept to your own house).

And, how about the husband who can't do anything without his wife's presence? I mean, he can't even go to the grocery store without her unless he has her on the cell, questioning Every.Single.Item. he puts in the cart. Or, he can't even make a business decision (that, quite honestly, doesn't affect Her - should we change to a cheaper copy paper? - in the least bit) without her in the room telling him what he should do. Does he love her so much he can't stand to be without her, or is she nothing but a controlling bitch?


And yes - I've observed all of these behaviors. Not just in one couple...but one is the main "show". And no, I'm not naming names (and I changed some of the information to protect the guilty :grin:). And yeah, I've put most of these behaviors on the man, simply because a)I'm female and b)it's mostly men I've seen exhibiting these behaviors. Plus, my girlfriends and I have talked about this. If you're male, simply change the gender and go from there. :grin:

Now, here's the $20 question: What should/can you, as a semi-impartial observer, Do about a situation like one of these? Pull the offender aside and try to set him/her straight? Do nothing and hope someone else handles it? Pull the..."victim" aside and see if they can do something? (in quotes because I'm not sure victim is the right word here). Is this behavior...wrong/inappropriate, or is it just me?

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From:ritaspins37
Date:January 19th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC)
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tough questions. In my case I would never have listened to anyone who told me that my relationship was as bad as it was. I knew it was bad, they knew it was bad, yet somehow I defended him and swept it all under the carpet. It is really difficult to admit to yourself how bad it is from the inside of a commited relationship. a gentle nudge to either "victim" or "Perp" may raise awareness of how this behaviour is percieved by others, but will probably not change anything.


From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 20th, 2007 04:07 am (UTC)
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Oooh that's a difficult spot to be in. Honestly, I don't think that there is anything you really can do. If you're close to the "victim", then be supportive. I would not suggest leaving (or staying) to them, just support them in whatever decisions they make, even if they change their mind ten minutes later. As for the offender, I doubt that anything outside of professional therapy would help. Hopefully the vic will finally get fed up, or the off will get a clue. Still, getting stuck between a rock and a hard place is never fun.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 20th, 2007 04:08 am (UTC)
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Crud, sorry. That was me, Enjay. btw, the ashford skeinwinder has been enormously useful, thanks so much for selling it.
(spin a yarn)
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