Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness (fiberaddict) wrote,
Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness

  • Location:
  • Mood:

A bit of introspection (aka "navel gazing")

Typical Tuesday....Herself woke up in a snit, and totally did her best to ruin the morning for everyone. She accomplished it - AND she managed to get us out of the birthday party this weekend. :sigh:

Been doing a lot of introspection, guess what? All my thoughts'll get dumped *here*. :grin: Aren't you so lucky? :snerk:

Some of the sites I frequent have talked about "Finding the Right Mate", or "Finding your Biblically-mandated Mate" or "Biblical Marriage" or whatever. Thing is, they only have 1 perspective on it - either they married Mr. Right (yeah, they're all female.) or....they didn't.

Me? I did both - Mr. Right first, then Mr. Not-at-ALL-Right. (I fixed that mistake as soon as I realized what I had done. :sigh:) (And no, this has NOTHING to do with anything going on IRL - it's just been on my mind a bit, and I need to get it Out Of There. To get over it, finally. Hopefully!)

When I first started husband-hunting (what, I'm the only girl that did that? Don't give me that - it's something we ALL do! I'm just being honest with myself here!) 13+ years ago, I sat down and made a list of all the things/attributes I wanted in a man. It was a pretty lengthy list, too - things like "Must have sense of humor" "Must enjoy the things I like, but MUST have outside interests, too" "Must want kids" - you know, *important* stuff. I prayed over that list for a good 6 months, if not longer - but I also prayed that I find what I *needed*, not what I thought I needed - there IS a difference! (And all of that *was* important, to me - think about it. If *you* want a passel of kids but your mate doesn't, what'll happen? SOMEONE will be disappointed - and it could lead to divorce down the road. Some of the "important" stuff wasn't, really....see next paragraph :grin:) I also made a "MUST NOT HAVE" list - No abusive tendancies, No control issues...stuff like that. It was, surprisingly, much shorter. :grin:

I got exactly what I needed - a sensitive man who wasn't afraid to show emotion, didn't believe in ANY type of abuse (physical/emotional/verbal), wasn't intimidated by me and my talents...and who had LONG hair. (That was on my MUST NOT HAVE list - to this day, I HATE long hair on men - they can have it, but I don't like it. *ugh*.) God knew I'd get over it - and I did! I told Steve he was NOT allowed to cut his hair - it was part of him, and he looked good with it. (Still hate it on other guys, though! :grin:) (One of the other things on my MUST HAVE list was "Must be at least 6' tall. Steve was 6'2". I still like tall men...but I've learned that height isn't that important - I'm willing to....downsize now - *IF* I ever start looking again. :twisted: Besides, big men are very intimidating...I didn't use to think so, but now...I do. :sigh:)

Oh, he wasn't perfect - neither am I. But, he was perfect for *me*. We had some doozies of arguements, too - the most memorable lasted over 6 months, and involved nothing more important than a small "scientific fact" in ST:Generations. (The villian has this weapon that, when fired into a sun, will stop the reaction in the center of said sun. In the movie, said sun *blows up*. *I* said that that was impossible - if you stop the reaction in the center of a sun, wouldn't it *implode*, collapse, instead of *explode*, go boom? 6 months later, Steve finally admitted I was right. :grin:)

Anyway, it was a good marriage - no major arguements, we got along great, we completed each other...the way, Biblically, marriage is supposed to be. Submission was *never* an issue, because I willing did whatever he wanted/expected me to do. He did the same - if he saw something that would make me happy/make my life easier, he got it/did it for me, with no discussion necessary. *That's* the way it should work - both partners should be looking out for the other's welfare above their own.

Too bad it doesn't always work out that way. Mr. NAAR came on strong. I was at the wrong point, I think - I was very vulnerable for some reason (to this day, I still don't know what was going on.....I thought I was doing OK, but I guess, subconsciously I wasn't.) and fell for all his lies. He was *very* good at saying the things I wanted/needed to hear - after all, I *had* to be careful, I had 2 children to watch out for now.

He came on just like another Steve. I wasn't the only one fooled - I introduced him to my co-worker, and the first thing she said to me was "OMG! It's like Steve reincarnated! You are SO Lucky!". :sigh: Yeah - he deceived a LOT of people. (That's taken a load off of my mind, to be honest - it *wasn't* just me thinking with my hormones!)

What few warning bells I got were easily dismissed - it's a new relationship, I'm older now, I'm factoring in my kids and before I didn't have to - and I got snookered. He told me he owned his own business, he was a Master Mechanic, he made big bucks (disclaimer: Money isn't everything. I said it, I meant it, and I still - to this day - hold to that. Money is nice, but it isn't a dealbreaker for me - TRUTH and TRUST are dealbreakers.), he was Mr. Big Shot...the list goes on and on, but I'm not going to keep going. It'll devolve into character assination, and I'm *not* going to go there (he's done that to me already, thanks, and I refuse to play that game). Now, I did do a quick internet background check, and came up with nothing - but he's good at hiding his tracks and not getting caught. (oops...yeah, I'll stop now.)

He was Mr. Smooth when we were dating - yeah, we did things HE wanted to do, instead of what *I* or *we* wanted to do, but......OK (There was no *we*, BTW.). That goes back to the submissive wife thing - yeah, we weren't married, but I was used to doing what Steve wanted (even after 4 years). Thing is, Steve factored in *MY* desires (and later, the kids) when he set up dates and stuff. Mr. NAAW? Nope - HE wanted to go here, so here we went. Sometimes, it was stuff I'd want to do too...but most of the time? Nope. I simply ignored it - it'll get better, right?? (This doesn't mean I didn't enjoy myself - but, y'know, it would have been nice to have been *asked* first. The times we did go someplace just for *me*, it was because it happened to be on the way to something HE wanted to do. :sigh:)

So, I jumped in feet first.....and rapidly realized my mistake. See, I tend to take people at their word - you tell me you are good at what you do, and I'll believe you. Why not? MOST people don't feel the need to lie - embellish, maybe (we all do that), but not out and out lie about things that can easily be disproven. What's the point? You are who you are - unless you're lying.

His idea of submission was for me to be a doormat. He informed me shortly after the vows were spoken that I could quit my job now. Bear in mind, that he was only bringing in MAYBE $100/week. Um. I had an $800/month housepayment (still have that), a $300/month tractor payment (it's paid for now! Whee!!), a $500/month van payment (which is now a $600/month truck payment - but the truck actually RUNS. Fancy that!) all the normal utilities/groceries/animal feed/school expenses (and let's NOT count the $700/month daycare bill - once I quit it goes away) - does anyone else see a problem here? I refused (on the grounds that we couldn't afford me to quit *just then*- not that I *wouldn't* quit, mind you, just Not right then).....and immediately got thrown into Hell. (And in the name of fairness, the kids *do* get SSI benefits - they are *just* enough to pay the car and house...with maybe enough left over for gas. :sigh:)

I won't go into it - but because I refused to quit my job, I was an unfit mother and unfit wife. I was incapable of loving anyone but myself. (Yeah...O...K) It got worse - I refuse to go there. He isolated me from my friends - I wasn't even allowed to answer the phone! - and he browbeat me constantly. But - enough of that. Arguements? Oh, yeah - over the stupidest things (ah, yes - the infamous chocolate milk incident. :lol:)

Hey - I'm a big girl. I figured it was what I deserved, since I jumped into this feet first. I did request counselling (within the first month :sigh:) - it took him 5 months to decide we needed it (Did I mention we were married right at 7 months total when I filed for divorce?). Didn't help - he denied everything, and when I'd try to bring up our problems (always taking the blame myself, of course! He's the husband, and is obviously *right*) he would talk right over me, about how good and wonderful he was. I quit trying - why bother? - and just sat and fell deeper and deeper into a pit of my own making. :sigh:

I decided I had to live with it (marriage is supposed to be forever, y'know)...until he started dragging my children into it. Understand, my children have been thru a LOT in their short lives - their father murdered, their mother stalked, being forced to move for their own safety - and I am *very* protective of their emotional/mental state. The day he told my 7 year old son that "I don't know why your mother decided to quit loving me" I snapped. (It got worse before he finally got his ass OUT of MY house - MUCH worse. :sigh:) Even then, it took him 3 weeks to finally get out.

I mentioned lies, earlier? Turns out, he DIDN'T own his own business ("Well, I'm a *partner*" When I mentioned all the partnerships I had helped set up AT MY JOB, and how the money issue was set up) it became "Well....*I* own all the tools!" :snerk:). "Big" Bucks? $300/week - GROSS. *AFTER* I asked him to try and find a job "closer to home" - what I meant was "that actually pays SOMETHING each month". "Master" Mechanic? He told me my van was safe to drive - when the transmisson was slipping like me in the mud this morning. :snicker: Mr. Big Shot? (not that I care) - Couldn't prove it by me - or anyone I talked to. In his own mind, maybe.

Oh - and my mistake I mentioned earlier? I didn't pray over it like I should have. Instead of asking to meet Mr. Right, I said "Is this it? Please? Yes? Cool then!" without waiting for an answer. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

It took 3 pastors telling me to give it up before I'd listen. :sigh:

Anyway, I've been on both sides of the issue. *Biblical* marriage is something special, and something that should be searched for. Settling for something less is doing yourself (and your spouse) a disservice - and will make your life a lot harder. Not necessarily as bad as mine was, no - but not as great as it *could* be, either.

It has taken my children 3 months of councilling to even begin to heal. Me? I'm working on it. This should help a bit.

So: Moral of the story? DON'T settle for less than you deserve. DON'T jump in without a lot of thought and prayer (yes - PRAYER.) DON'T think you have to settle for an abusive relationship, just because marriage is forever - it's supposed to be, but NO ONE has to put up with this shit. It's taken me quite a few months to get to this point - and I still have a *long* way to go. I am second-guessing myself on *everything* - even when I *know* it's the right thing to do. :sigh: I'm working on it......

DO find someone of your religious leanings. Seriously - he claimed to be a Believer....but his actions proved otherwise. :shudder: NEVER again - life is too short to be chained to someone of polar opposite beliefs!
Tags: blather

  • So, I have a bunch of photos....

    but LJ is being slow as molasses this morning. It took *30* minutes to upload 2.....and I have 6 or 7 more. :sigh: I guess you get to see the new…

  • Tuesday Thankful

    because I like alliteration. :lol: 1. DH. He FINALLY finished my pantry door. It's....interesting, but it's a door. :lol: 1a. He also FINALLY set…

  • Mid-Week Blather.....

    Let's see..... 1. Spent yesterday whipping up an "infinite gore" skirt. I still can't quite wrap my mind around how 5 yards of fabric will get me a…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.