Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness (fiberaddict) wrote,
Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness

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OK, this has been kicking around in my head since Thursday evening. Guess I need to put it down, so it'll leave me alone.

I am very very tired of people thinking that they "deserve" things in life. It doesn't work that way - life doesn't come with a coupon book, or a guarantee, or even a warranty. Heck, you're not even given an expiration date - you live as long as you live, and that's that.

If we deserved things in life, then I'm afraid that no one would ever have good things happen to them. People, on the whole, just aren't that good - usually, when faced with 2 choices, we take the easy way out, no matter what the consequences are. Generally, it's the worst choice. That just seems to be human nature.

But, we have the right to make another decision to rectify the outcome of the original one. Some people choose to do this as a matter of fact, others would rather sit and bitch and moan about how unfair life *is*. Well, welcome to the real world! If you make the decision to be unhappy with your lot, guess what? You will be. If you choose to make do and find things to be happy about, then your whole outlook will change and life will seem to get better. A little clue here - life hasn't gotten "better", just your outlook on it.

I mean, say a person cuts you off on the freeway. You have 2 choices: you can bitch and cuss and speed up so that you get in front of them just to slow down and cut them off, OR you can decided that maybe they need to get somewhere important (like, say, the hospital) and they need to get there a lot faster then you need to get to your destination. You can decide to blow it off and enjoy the fact that hey, you can listen to 1 extra song on the radio, or enjoy the scenery outside your window, or whatever. *You* make the call - no one else.

A related part of this rant is the belief that some people aren't worthy or deserving of marriage. That's just plain bullshit. The fact is, if you have a negative attitude towards everything, no one is gonna want to become attached to you.

I've been there - lots of dead end relationships that left me wondering what was wrong with me. I finally slapped myself one day, and decided to do something about it - I figured I was probably looking for the wrong thing, and sending out the wrong signals. I wanted a husband, but kept ending up with guys who wanted 1 night stands, or a fuck-buddy, or the like. So, what did I do to change things?

Simple: I made a list of everything I wanted in a husband. And I do mean *everything*....eye color, height, hair color (only I forgot to list hair length )....everything. 2 pages later, I set it aside, and went out to observe. Not single guys, but committed couples. I wanted to see if I could figure out what worked....and what didn't. It also confirmed in my head exactly what I was looking for, and what I definately did Not want.

About a month later, I pulled my list back out. I took 2 sheets of paper - one of them I put things that I *had* to have, on the other, I put things that I wanted, but could live without. The Had to have list included things like "sense of humor, sense of self, consideration, etc (and I included height here, because I don't like guys shorter then 6'....that's just me, though). The wanted list included most of the appearance stuff, job stuff....things that don't really matter over the long run.

Now, my lists really solidified what I was looking for......and 2 weeks later I found it. This time, since I had clarified in my head what I wanted, I knew it when I saw it, and was able to act on it. It took Steve 2 weeks to reach the same conclusion..... (The hair length thing I will *never* live down - I absoluetly destest long hair on a guy. Steve had wonderful, shoulder-length curls. I didn't even *notice* his hair for about 3 weeks, and by then it was too late).

Now, how does this relate? Simple - instead of sitting around bemoaning my single state and whining about how I was unworthy to have a husband, I made the decision to get married. I then did what I figured I needed to do to make it happen. Was it easy? Yes, and No.

Because I knew what I wanted, I was able to go to the places where I might meet Mr. Perfect. It turned out that the SCA dance class was it - I like to play dress-up, I love Ren Faires, and I wanted someone to share that with. Mission accomplished.

Now, I could be sitting here bitching about losing my husband - but I'm not. Why? It serves no purpose. I miss him - horribly, every day - but it's not worth spending all my time in a deep depression. I spent almost 18 months lost in the fog.........and it wasn't worth it. The pit is still there, but I would much rather look to the future and find things to enjoy instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression. I made the choice to try to be upbeat about the situation - I certainly couldn't *change* it, so I needed to look for the positive.

What could be positive about death? Well, for starters, it enabled me to move into a new house. The old house was literally falling apart, full of mold and wood rot, and was slowly killing my son. The life insurance wasn't a fortune, but it allowed me to buy some land and have a house built on it. My son has been healthier the last 6 months then he has been his entire life.

Was it the right decision? I think so. I got the land for $5K less then the list price - the lady wanted to sell it Now. The financing went thru without a hitch, and I got the lowest interest rate and $8K off of the list price of my house. Once the builders finally started, they banged it out in something like 60 days - with NO RAIN at the homesite until after the roof was shingled. (This is an oddity - the super kept calling me to say "It's the darndest thing - it'll be raining cats and dogs, and I'm thinking we're gonna have to quit today, then 1 mile from your house the rain is, like, Not there, and your site is dry as a bone. It's really weird - it's like you have an umbrella over your site or something")

Sometimes you have to dig for happy thoughts, but it makes things *so* much better, life wise, and it is very worth it.

Did I deserve all that's happened to me? Hell, no! No one deserves to have their spouse killed in cold blood, and be left to raise the kids alone. But, it happened - I have to live with it. Might as well enjoy myself, yes?
Tags: blather

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