Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness (fiberaddict) wrote,
Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness

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New Exercise Program

So, I've developed a new, revolutionary exercise program. It's still in the development stages, so I can't cite any figures, or show before/after pictures, but early testing shows promise.

It's very easy, and doesn't require a lot of expensive workout equipement. It does, however, require a few estoric items that many people don't have on hand. If you fall into that category, I suggest you befriend someone who has access to them and borrow them. It's my experience that they will *love* the offer, and accept it with glee.

So, the program. You need access to:

A horse. For development purposes, a 19 year old Arabian Stallion was used, but any breed/age/sex equine should work. However, it's been my experience that the younger the equine, the less useful they will be in this program. Ideally, you will use a canny, older horse that's "been around the barn" a few times and knows all the tricks.

A paddock/pasture of at least 1 acre. More is better than less. If the area is home to other equines, so much the better - it makes for a better aerobic workout.

A halter/bridle.

A saddle.

Optional equipment: bucket and 1/2 scoop of grain. This is only to be used near the end of the workout.


Start tossing a bridle over your shoulder, hanging your hard hat (brain-bucket) on the gate and then walking out to the paddock and announcing to the environment at large that it is a lovely day and is *perfect* for riding. Proceed to stroll down the fence to undo the restraining "gate" your misguided neighbor ran across the area between the stud paddock and the mare paddock. Assure the blind pony that you do, in fact, know what you are doing, but thanks for the concern. Head back up to the gate, commenting on the beauty of the flowers/day/area and re-emphasizing the perfectness for a ride.

Decide that bareback is probably Not the Way to go, considering you haven't ridden the target horse in forever, and, yeah, the wind is a bit gusty, so go back into the garage to grab the saddle, grooming kit, and halter. Set these by the horsetrailer, then proceed to go into the paddock. Attempt to catch designated horse. Tell him/her how much fun this is going to be, and BTW, you have grain in your hand for him (you don't, but he's just an animal, after all - he won't know the difference!) (Yes, he does, actually). Walk the length of the paddock 2 or 3 times, approximately 10 feet behind designated horse, your language deteriorating the longer you are out there. (This is *great* exercise for the lungs, especially if you get louder and louder as time passes.) Decide you need to use "Plan B", and head to the garage to get the optional equipment.

Back in the paddock, swirl grain around in the bucket while chanting the "Yummy oats!" chant. Shove other horses away and tell them it's Not For Them. Push heads away again, because they don't care what You think - they want the oats, too. Convince target that it's all for him, if he'll let you put this teeny little rope around his neck. He complies; you whip the halter over his head, and part 1 of the program is complete!

Those that borrowed the equipment can either stop here, or continue.

Get horse out of paddock/pasture, shoving other horses out of the way as needed. Watch out for flying hooves and teeth. Find a good spot to try and complete the pre-ride checklist; since there is no convienent place to tie horse up, decide to hold lead in hand and brush with other. Come to conclusion that this is stupid (the 3rd time your foot gets stepped on) and drag horse to trailer to tie him up to the side. Manage to get him saddled (the beta version of this workout used an English saddle; you'll get more benefit if you use a Western saddle -they weigh more) and bridled...try to mount.

Realizing you're too out of shape to reach the stirrup (not to mention actually heaving yourself INTO the saddle), look about to find something to use as a mounting block. This is great for the abs, since the horse will be jiggling and moving, not wanting any part of this. Decide the box blade attachment for the Kubota will work, so attempt to drag horse over to it (also good for the abs).

When you finally manage to get horse in position, clamber up onto the box blade. Realize you can't reach the stirrup, since the horse is smart enough to move his body out of position, but think you can reach the saddle without using the stirrup. Manage to throw your right leg over the saddle; then fall thuddingly to the ground when horse realizes it too and shifts his weight just so so you tumble off. (You *are* wearing the brain-bucket, yes?)

Get up, dust yourself off, tell horse exactly what you think of him, his parantage, and his offspring. Pause to reassure newest foal that you, Of Course, didn't mean Him, he's sweet and perfect. Drag protesting horse over to the leftover shingle pile, clamber up, and *finally* manage to get up into the saddle.

Enjoy your 30 minute ride - you'll get to do it all over again tomorrow, if you want to maximize the benefits. *g*

I'm still working on the customization here. Don't be alarmed if things look....silly for a bit.

Oh, and:

My Unitarian
Jihad Name
is: Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness.

Get yours.

Tags: blather, lemming, pets

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