Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness (fiberaddict) wrote,
Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness

For Ali.....

I've been mulling over your post for a few days, now....and I gotta admit, *I* could have written the same thing.

I "talk" to God all the time. Most of the time, it's blather: "Thank You for the pretty sunrise! How did you decide to put those colors together? And thank You for leading me to chose this paint for this room - it's perfect! And goes with the other room perfectly! Please help me find ___________ for _______..." and so on. I feel like.....I know God is our Heavenly Father, but I sometimes wonder if He doesn't do what I do with my kids, when they're blathering on about Minecraft or Sonic or some other (stupid) video game - I wonder if He doesn't tune out the nonsense. And then I feel bad for thinking that, because He listens, right? And if He listens, He must really be tired of hearing me with all my...nonsense. :sigh:

And it makes me sad, because I just can't......keep the....importance? Realness? up. I try - I'll start out with prayers for Israel, but it rapidly degenerates into....well, silliness. (If I'm honest. Most of the stuff I talk *at* Him about IS silly. And I'm sad about that - I feel like I should be.....deeper. Or something.)

It's *me*, I know it is.....but I just can't seem to have deep talks with Him all the time. I look at others - who seem to have it all together - and yeah, I get a little...jealous? I guess that's a good word - of their relationship - and I KNOW I shouldn't. Because if I'm honest, I'm pretty sure they spend a lot of time just blathering, too.

I guess this is just a long-winded way of saying that I hear ya, and I understand what you're trying to say, and I *get it*. Because I do the same thing - I put up a good front, but underneath I'm still...silly.

I'm also mad at myself because I don't spend time in the Word, not like I should. I try...but things get in the way. If it weren't for our *assigned* daily readings, I wouldn't get as much time as I do.....and THAT is sad. I need to re-prioritize...badly. :sigh: Watching SG drives that point home - the reason he wants to go to church is so he can hear what some "expert" says is in the Bible. But....he won't READ it for himself. He says he doesn't have the time....and yet, he can spend HOURS playing Skyrim. :bangs head: (And when I *gently* point that out to him, he gets pissed. He's mad because we are learning Latin and Hebrew, and he isn't...but yet, he won't sit down and spend ANY time on them at all. :sigh: Priorities.) He gets mad at me because I tell him to look stuff up...he doesn't want to. He'd like it handed to him.......never mind. I need to quit worrying about him and get myself back on track. (And, to be fair, he's not a reader. Reading is difficult for him.......but. He won't do any of the audio stuff I've found for him, either.)

Anyway. I hear ya, Ali, and I feel the same way. No giggles here - I'm in the same boat.

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Tags: religion

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