Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness (fiberaddict) wrote,
Sister Sword of Desirable Mindfulness

  • Location:
  • Mood:


Might want to skip this one, guys - this is where I dump some family angst/stuff. Probably gonna be boring - and probably more personal than some are comfortable with. :shrug: I've always tried to keep it real here...this is probably more "real" than usual. Proceed at your own risk! Comments are open, but NOT required.

So. Families are complicated - we all know this. Mine was.....moreso, I think, than most. Why? Because my dad....was a chameleon. *My* dad was not the same as my *brother's* dad, and neither on was who friends/acquaintances were familiar with.

I was an only child until I was almost 8. I was NOT spoiled (I never did get the pony I begged for, until I bought it myself with my first paycheck), but I felt loved and important. Then....the brother I had been praying for since I was 3 (along with the pony!) arrived. All of a sudden, I was non-important. My Gran, who had been living with us, called him on it when my brother was 2 or 3....he had gotten into my room and torn something up. I was upset and yelled at him; she came in, apologized to me (he had gotten away from her), and spanked him. Dad found out, and tore her a new one, because *I* should have known to keep my door closed if I didn't want brother in my room. I was 10/11. Seriously? He kicked Gran out shortly thereafter. (He had a pattern of that, actually.)

I came to grips with the whole favored child thing in High School. Wasn't easy, but hey - it is what it is. Then I graduated...and he came to me and told me that I either paid some astronomical amount in rent (I think it was $800/month, but it's been a few decades!) or I had until noon the next day to move out. I was working retail, part-time.....and MAYBE brought home $600/month. Out of that I had to pay for my horse's board (because my first paycheck put a down-payment on my first horse. I wanted a car, but was told that he couldn't afford to pay for driver's ed for me, OR to help me with a car loan/insurance. So, what's a horse-crazy kid gonna do? I bought a horse and worked out a deal for cheap board/feed, that's what. What did Dad do? He ran out and bought a $1K (or maybe it was $2K - don't remember) Rainbow vacuum. Thanks!) and my personal expenses......there was simply no way I could pay that much for rent. So - I left home. He had told me that Mom was on board with it...I found out much later that no, he had told her I up and ran away for no reason. :bangs head:

Anyway. I moved back home 3 years later, with the understanding that Mom was point-of-contact. I honestly NEVER trusted him again. I finally got a driver's license, and Mom co-signed on my first Jeep. Dad? Paid cash for brother's driver's ed when he turned 16, and ran out and conned Mom into co-signing a loan for a brand-new truck for him. :sigh: (Wow. I sound bitter. I promise, I'm not - I've come to terms with it.) Few years later I met DH #1, got married, and moved out and away.

I found out about my half-siblings when I was.....12, I think. All I learned was that they existed. Brother met half-brother when he (brother) was in high-school; I wasn't invited, or even told about it until a few weeks ago. I knew dad had been in contact with half-brother (hereinafter referred to as "HB", and brother as "B", to keep it easy on my wrists. :grin:) because he would ever so often drop mention of them in conversations, usually comparing my kids to HB's (and ALWAYS to my kids' discredit. I did NOT let it get to me, because hey - it's dad. I KNEW how he was, especially with me.) I was careful to not allow my kids much access, because I wanted them to love their Grandpa, and I didn't want him to mess them up like he did me. (Especially since he made it plain that boys were #1. I was NOT going to put Herself thru that.)

I tried over the years to do the right thing. For YEARS I had Dad come out on Sundays so I could ensure that a) he'd get to spend time with the kids and b) he'd have at least 1 good meal a week. (Found out later that he was also going to B's house on Thursdays, for much the same reasons. Interesting......) A couple of years ago he decided gas prices were too high, and he ended that. I still tried; I called him every week or so to check on him. I made him gifts....which leads me to my introspection.

We were over there yesterday to pick up Sam. I was looking for the Will (I may have it - I have a bunch of legal-looking papers I need to go thru), so was rummaging thru drawers. I found *every* single gift I ever made him wadded up in various drawers...never used. :sigh:

Yes, it hurts....but I'm not really surprised. I know how he was. I wasn't the important child, so anything from me wasn't important or special. I took a few of them - the dishtowels - but left the liturgical stoles *that he asked me to make for him*. I just.....:sigh:

He and mom finally divorced when Herself was 1. Half the house is hers....I guess he decided that he just didn't care - because the house is trashed. Hoarders would have a field day - IF they could get inside safely. I'm kind of surprised - B wants to just wash his hands of everything, and I can't figure out *why*. I thought he'd be all torn up and sentimental.....instead, he's like me. I've tried very very hard to NOT sully B's image of dad - it's not my place. I know that his memories of our childhood is much different from mine, and that's OK. It is what it is.

SG has finally realized WHY I am so over-protective of my kids - I do NOT want them to go thru what I did growing up. He didn't know all the history....he's getting an idea, now, and he's starting to understand WHY I haven't been all torn up and devastated by this. I mean...I feel bad about saying this, but I was at the hospital because I KNEW what story he would spin if he survived and I *didn't* sit vigil. That's a horrible thing to admit...but it's the truth. I'm having a hard time dealing with Sam because of it - it's not the dog's fault, it's the baggage *I* have. He's a cute dog, sweet as can be, needs house-training badly.....and I'm having a difficult time just dealing with him. He's clingy, which is understandable....and I am irritated by it. :Sigh: I'll get over it - it looks like he's here to stay -'s going to take time. Good news is that he seems to have adopted Herself...and she's OK with it. :whew!:

If you managed to wade thru all that - Congratulations! Sorry I dumped it on ya...but I DID warn you! I'll try to post something more upbeat next time. Might be a few days - I have work-work to do, and I want to remake the overalls so that I can actually *wear* them. And USE them. Shouldn't be too hard - just need to add another inch or so to each piece of the pants (4 pieces x 1" = 4" of ease. Might do 1.5"....)

This entry was originally posted at Please comment there using OpenID.
Tags: blather, family, navel-gazing

  • Just FYI

    So, the FDA has approved Pfizer’s Comirnaty vaccine. This is NOT the one currently being administered (that one is Biotech), but it doesn’t matter.…

  • July Update

    I seem to be on a once-a-month update schedule here.......:shrug: Works for me. We got quite a bit done this month - mostly sewing. I have filled…

  • June Recap and Photo catch-up

    Because I've been a busy little Fiberaddict. :lol: I can't remember when I actually sewed up some of these, so I'll just post them. I do remember the…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.