The ONLY reason I went to see that sorry excuse of a movie is because my son *asked* me to go. He even paid for the tickets, and as an apology after, he paid for lunch. (For the record, he wasn't happy when we left the theatre. This kid - this kid LOVES Star Wars. He argued with me for a year and a half over why I was *wrong* about TLJ........this movie? I saw his heart break. He struggled to find positive things to say on the way home. My advice?
Save your money - skip this.
There WILL be spoilers ahead. I am going to put in a cut, but in case the cut doesn't work, I'll scroll down a bit.
Keep on scrolling.
The pacing SUCKS. Not just at the beginning, but the whole way through. The beginning dumps you in the middle of the action.......to be fair, so did Ep. 3. The difference? Ep. 3 hit you with a huge space battle, then gave you a few minutes to comprehend what you were seeing. (If you hadn't kept up with the cartoons between Ep. 2 and 3, you were probably lost, but at least Ep. 2 ended with Yoda proclaiming "Begun, the Clone Wars have.". You at least KNEW, going into Ep. 3, that the "Clone Wars" were a thing. Battles could be expected. They...just happened off-screen.)
Ep. 9? The Opening Crawl is the *lamest* I've ever seen. The Clone Wars cartoons had better. This.......I was left going "What? Wait - WHAT? That's IT????"
And - Action! Gotta get data from a spy - oh no, we were followed! Light-speed skip (this is a thing?) - more TIEs. More skipping! Arrive at the Resistance camp - where, somehow, there are MORE than the 20 survivors we had at the end of Ep. 8......where we were told that this was IT. O........K.
Moving on! Rey is being trained by Leia, who....somehow.......is now a Jedi? (Her training was all off-screen, and not mentioned in ANY of the CANON books I've read. She apparently got to her last test, and....quit. She had a vision.....O......K then.)
Moving on! Uncle Palpy is alive (only..it's Grandpa Palpy. Yes, really.) Kylo finds him and his cloning tanks - oh, look! Snoke heads in a tank! Weird cloaked figures! Zombie Palpy! Next scene!
Seriously. You don't get ANY time to process what you've just seen. ANY emotional moments in this film are glossed over so quickly they might as well have happened off-screen. It's a total mess. Also, I want to clarify something - Rey is NOT a Mary Sue. Nope. She's the Director's (DM, really, but if you don't play D&D you won't get the impact) girl friend. Think about it..........
Rey and gang go to planet to find a map to Palpy's new digs. Lando is alive! And doesn't want anything to do with the Resistance. Right......Next scene! Chewie is captured by Storm Troopers! Oh, No! Rey force-grabs the transport (at which point I turned to Himself and said "Force Unleashed is canon, now!"), Kylo appears! He force-grabs the transport to.....I dunno, pull it away from her? He appeared to be pulling it down, too - who cares! Rey hits it with Surprise! Force-lightening, destroying the transport! Chewie is DEAD! dun dun dunnnnnnn....
Only, not - a couple of scenes later he is removed from a Different Transport onto Kylo Ren's Star Destroyer! :whew! Fake out! Rey and gang are on new planet trying to decipher a Sith dagger - C3PO reads it, but can't read it Out Loud, because laws and shit. I know! Let's hack him! Touching scene - "I want to look at my friends for the last time" - truer words were never spoken, 3PO, because we are no longer your friends - all of us just want this abomination over so we can get on with our lives. Oh, yeah - we meet one of Poe's former girlfriends......I guess to show he's bi? Whatever.....
3PO's been wiped.........for 3 or 4 scenes, then R2 restores his memory! Fake Out! Rey and gang rescue Chewie, find out the spy is Hux....who gets killed by the Posh Nosh guy, who got promoted from gay chef to Star Destroyer Commander. Huzzah for him! Pretty sure his wife's the actual Star Destroyer chef, but I really don't care. At this point, I was checking my watch to see how much longer I had to suffer.
And - Endor! To find the Sith map to Grandpa's new digs! Oh no, Kylo appears! Rey sees her Sith-self, but Kylo interrupts her fight with herself so they can fight! Whee! Rey stabs Kylo.......and Leia ~dies~ trying to turn him back to Ben. Rey senses Leia's "death" (oh, wait - this one's real. Well, OK then!), brings *Ben* back from the brink of death, then steals his TIE so she can go to Luke's planet to sulk.
Ben gets a visit from good-old-Dad (wait - Harrison Ford came back for this shit? Wonder how much Disney paid him?), then.........somehow gets off planet. We don't know, don't care.
Luke tells Rey to suck it up, and yes - Palpy is her Grandfather. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn! Anakin wasn't the only kid forced (pun SO intended!) on unsuspecting women - wait. This means that Luke and Leia are her Uncle and Aunt.......and Ben is her first cousin. Or are they her cousins and is he her nephew once-removed? Don't know, don't care. Next scene!
Poe and gang are back on Resistance planet - oh no, the General is dead! Now what? Poe is now General.....he promotes Finn. Let's go kill ourselves! Rey is showing us how to get to Grandpa's house! But - they have a HUGE fleet! We have.....50 ships (seriously - there were maybe 20 members of the Resistance alive at the end of Ep 8. WHERE did all these people and fighters come from????????) Hark! A wild Lando appears! He's going to take the Falcon and
And.....we're somehow at Palpy's, and we land a transport on TOP of an Imperial Star Destroyer, and there are Not!Horseys cantering about on it's hull and...at this point I LEFT THE THEATRE. I.....have NEVER left a movie before, not even when I was pregnant. This time? I didn't care. The ONLY reason I came back was because I didn't want to hurt Himself's feelings. :sigh: Moving on....
Ben somehow shows up. He is unarmed! Oh no! The Knights of Ren take him on! He's getting the snot beat out of him, but he somehow has time to Force-skype his......I'm gonna go with girl-friend, even though it's a bit squicky - who Force hands him Luke's lightsaber (yeah, yeah - it was destroyed in Ep. 8. Continuity? Who cares???? ) - she has Leia's lightsaber, so doesn't need it (oh, yeah - Ghost Luke gave her Leia's lightsaber, right before he pulled his water-logged X-wing out of the ocean. Good thing younger Luke thought to weatherize and waterproof it, huh?) Ben takes out the Knights while Rey faces Palpy.......Ben runs in to help, but - Oh No! Gets Force-pushed by Palps into a deep chasm! Death! Oh dear!!! Whatever shall we do? (wink: wink: nudge: nudge)
Hark! A huge Resistance fleet suddenly spawns! The space battle is almost even! But!!! Palpy space-lightenings the.......atmosphere? Something.....it looks like he detonated a Force-powered EMP targeted at the Resistance ships. (I don't know - seems like that would also affect the "final order's" ships, but......look, I gave up trying to figure this movie out. I don't care any more......I want to go home.) Palps is channelling all the former Sith lords! But wait! Rey is suddenly possessed by all the former Jedi! Who will win this ~epic~ battle???? (Really? You don't know? :sigh:)
Palpy is dead - for reals this time! But - so is Rey! Oh no! Wait - Ben is ALIVE! Who would have thought that???? And now - he heals her, they kiss....and he dies. For Real, this time, because his body becomes one with the Force. And hey! So does Leia's, finally! The Resistance fleet destroys the Final Order Fleet, and peace reigns once more. No word on the Not!Horseys.......I think they were put out to pasture somewhere.
So. The Skywalkers are all dead! Rey is a Palpatine, remember? Only.....she goes to Tatooine, visits the Lars' homestead, buries Luke and Leia's lightsabers, and tells some old lady that her name is "Rey.............Rey Skywalker." :whee!: (And she apparently found the time to convert her staff into a new lightsaber......off-screen. Whatever!)
This movie is a total cluster-muck of the highest order. Ep. 7 was fun - I thought it was a well-written fanfic, to be honest. Ep. 8....sucked; mainly because of the ending. Where do you go when the big-bad is dead, the good guys are down to maybe 20 people, and the bad guy is Right There, able to take pot shots at the *1* ship they have until he blows them all away. Seriously - Ep. 8 is a good example of how NOT to write a story. Had it been split into 2, with a little more..........hope in it, I'd have been OK with it. Not happy - Star Wars should end with a little bit of hope! - but OK.
This? Needed a LOT of work before release. It's pacing is just....all over the place. You don't get any breaks to really process what you're seeing, the humor feels a little bit out of place what with all the death going on, and the fake deaths got really old, really quick. (I think there were 5 fake-outs. Maybe. I.......only know that because some dude on Reddit counted.) Seriously - every emotional moment flashes on the screen and off again so fast it doesn't register. So fast that it doesn't even count - Ben's redemption is over faster than you can say Ewok!, then you move on to the next thing that needs to be checked off of the Master List of Things that Need to Happen in a Star Wars Movie.
Rey's parentage wasn't answered in a satisfactory way, IMO. You get a couple of flashbacks of her parents, who dumped her on Jakku to save her from Palpy. Here's the thing: we're not told her parents knew that she was related to Palpy. The timeline doesn't really work.......Palpy *died* at the end of Ep. 6. Thrown down the Death Star's power shaft, then having the Death Star *blown up* around you = pretty much dead. There is a 30 year gap between Ep. 6 and 7. The actress portraying Rey's mother in Ep 9 looks to be in her early to mid-20's.....and Rey is supposed to be, what - maybe 20 in Ep. 7? So........hrm. I can't quite figure out how Rey's mum (or Dad.....that actor looks to be maybe a year or 2 older than the mom) can be Palpy's kid. Not that I really care, at this point - it was a stupid plot point.
If she ended up a Skywalker anyway, and you didn't want her and Ben to be siblings, then make her Luke's daughter. Or make her Obi-Wan's granddaughter. YES - Jedi DID have.....erm...partners - it's canon! In "Master and Apprentice", a book exploring Qui Gon and Obi-Wan's relationship, they go to a planet where a Jedi Master is acting Regent for a young princess. It's made quite plain that he has a.....reputation. And a LOT of bed-partners. Qui-Gon doesn't even blink. See, you can have sex, you just can't have deep emotional attachments. Anakin states that pretty clearly in Ep. 2. Either one works better than Grandpa Palpy......
I won't be watching this one again. Yeah, we'll end up with it - Himself will buy the DVD just because it's Star Wars and we have everything else, but I suspect it'll be just like TLJ. He "loved" it, but we've only watched the DVD 1 time. We've seen TFA....5 or 6 times, I think, Rogue One 3 or 4, Solo.......you know, I don't think we've even removed the plastic from Solo. It was....OK, but not great. The EU books were MUCH better, IMO.
Star Wars is pretty much dead to me. I am watching "The Mandalorian", because Himself and the husband insist. The Yodlet is pretty cute, but I'm tired of them using him to pander to the female fans (plus, it's just a Western dressed up in Star Wars outfits. Firefly did Space Westerns first, and better (well, if you ignore Cowboy Bebop)). Clone Wars Season....7? 8? (Can't remember, don't feel like looking at the DVDs to find out) is coming out - I'll probably watch it to confirm what we were told was supposed to happen, happens), but anything else Disney puts out? I'll skip. For me, the Star Wars Saga ended with Ep. 6. Book-wise, the Thrawn novels (both sets, Legends AND Canon) are good, but I'll stick with the early EU novels as I find them. It got weird out there......:lol:
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